Мы все мечтаем, чтобы с нашими детьми всё было хорошо. Но что для этого нужно?



Хочется начать с одной маленькой истории…

«Маленькая педагогическая задача.

Мама, укладывая десятилетнюю девочку спать, всегда читает ей несколько страничек из книжки. Так заведено, и девочка целый день ждёт этой минуты. Но вот однажды, в то самое время, когда укладывались спать, к маме ненадолго зашла подруга. Мама сказала
девочке: «Сегодня читать не будем, на кухне тётя Наташа ждёт меня». У дочки на глазах слёзы…

 

11Что делать? Рассердиться на девочку за её нечуткость, за то, что она не хочет уступить? Сказать ей, что она грубый и бессердечный человек, поссориться с ней?
Вообще-то говоря, у мамы есть на это право; хорошо воспитанная девочка уступила бы, ведь ей не четыре года — десять лет. Но надо воспитывать совестливость, а не считаться с правами. Да если и с правами: у девочки есть эти пятнадцать минут маминого внимания, так заведено.

Мама сказала: «Конечно, неловко получается, тётя Наташа ждёт, но я обещала тебе… Давай читать».

Стали читать; не прошло и пяти минут, как девочка прервала маму: «Там тётя Наташа ждёт». Маленькая битва выиграна.

А могла бы девочка и не остановить маму — что ж, всё равно она получила бы урок порядочности. Постепенно, через год, два или через пять лет, девочка научится уступать, видя, как это делает мама. А еще важнее, что мама вовсе и не уступила. Если бы она сказала: «Сегодня не будем читать», а девочка пустилась бы в слёзы, закатила истерику и мама, браня её и сердясь, взяла бы книжку, — это было бы неправильно. Но мама сама стала читать, сама проявила деликатность, а не уступила девочке под давлением. Это важный оттенок отношений.

Хорошее правило: не дожидаться, пока ребёнок начнет требовать.» (из книги Соловечик С. «Педагогика для всех»).

В этой маленькой педагогической задаче автор показал как воспитывается сердце, ум и дух свободного человека и показал недостатки традиционного воспитания детей.

Вспоминается высказывание одного из классиков психологии К.Г.Юнга «Детей воспитывает то, чем является взрослый человек, а не то, что он говорит».

Часто родители, обратившиеся ко мне за помощью, испытывают огромное чувство вины из-за того, что допускают «ошибки» в воспитании. В таких ситуациях мы начинаем говорить о простых истинах гармоничного общения о том, что они – не роботы, что у родителей нет ответов на все вопросы и ситуации, они тоже учатся у своих детей. Совершенно нормально и естественно, когда родитель растерялся и не нашёл ответа на вопрос ребёнка. Чтобы выйти из «глупого» положения, можно сказать ребёнку, например… «Давай найдём ответ вместе», «Мне нужно подумать», «Я не знаю, что сейчас тебе сказать» и т.д. Я уверенна, что общаясь с ребёном подобным образом, мы обучаем его быть честным, искренним и при этом выстраиваем гармоничные отношения с ребёнком.

photo_5771

Чувство вины, одной из самый «тяжёлых» чувств, разрушающих отношения между родителем и ребёнком. Хочу дать маленький, но очень важный «рецепт» для налаживания отношений с ребёнком. Во-первых, нужно «подружиться» со своим чувством вины, принять его и отпустить. Во –вторых, самое важное и необходимое, что может сделать родитель: «Любить своего ребёнка. Любить безусловно». Любить любым: стеснительным, активный, шумным,сердитым, радостным, грустным и тд. Любить и принимать его таким, какой он есть. Если родители принимают ребёнка, таким какой он есть, у ребёнка формируется фундаментальное чувство защищённости в жизни, уверенности в своих силах и конечно способности справится со всеми сложностями и переплетениями, которые встречаются у него на пути.

«Каждый ребёнок, равно как и каждый взрослый, нуждается всего в трёх элементах: любви, принятии таким, какой он есть, и одобрении. Если у ребёнка есть эти основы жизни, то, независимо от уровня IQ, у него всё будет отлично». Лео Каннер (австрийский и американский психиатр)

Ещё один важный момент в отношениях с детьми, о котором хочется написать: совместное время провождения. Рекомендуя родителям проводить больше времени вместе, слышу: «Я весь день провожу с ним», «Мы всё время вместе, я очень он него устала» и многое другое. В совместном времени есть один «маленький», но безумно важный секрет. Совместное время измеряется не количеством времени, а качеством. Иногда достаточно с ребёнком провести 10-15 минут, и ваши отношения улучшатся, чувство усталости заменится чувством гармонии и удовлетворения от общения друг с другом.

Мы сейчас живём в очень интенсивном и быстроменяющемся ритме жизни: детский сад, школа, работа, дом, уроки, готовка, уборка, тренировки и т.д. В этом ритме родителями очень часто теряются одни из самых важных кирпичиков в налаживание контакта с ребёнком. Родители начинают торопить детей, «важные» дела встают на первый план, а самое важное и по-настоящего дорогое – отношения с ребёнком теряются. В этом сумасшедшем потоке каждодневных ситуаций, мы теряем ту нить контактов, которая является основной в отношениях. Мы начинаем тянуть детей за собой, мы настолько быстро начинаем реагировать и действовать в разных ситуациях, что дети не успевают. Дети не успевают, появляется напряжение, которое чаще всего приводит к перенапряжению нервной системы ребёнка. В сегодняшнем потоке ежедневных событий, иногда просто необходимо «остановиться» и побыть с ребёнком. Вообще, в отношениях с ребёнком, лучше всего идти за ребёнком. Дети, если родители их слушают и не торопят, подсказывают нам , что им необходимо. Что для них сейчас является самым важным и актуальным…….Самое главное: быть чуткими и внимательными родителями.

 

Mutter und Tochter

«Ребёнок, он как растение – его нужно подпитывать и защищать, а не тянуть за верхушку». Ю. Гиппенрейтер

В завершении мне хочется пожелать всем родителям: любить своих детей безусловно и наслаждаться каждым моментом, проведённым с ним сейчас. Помните, если ему сейчас 5 лет, возможно, он назойлив и много всего спрашивает, он очень нуждается в вас, но часто вас это сердит. А если ему 14- часто вам он очень нужен, хотите много узнать: о его жизни, событиях, но сейчас вы уже для него не авторитет… Поэтому наслаждайтесь каждым периодом в ваших отношениях.

Автор и составитель статьи детский психолог и руководитель психологического центра «Harmoonia» Наталья Беляева

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