Если ребенок все время обижается



Если ребенок все время обижается

Вы всем сердцем стремитесь к тому, чтобы ваши отношения с малышом всегда были дружескими, радостными, сердечными. Но ребенок все чаще обижается на вас и даже плачет. Про обиду в народе говорят, что она «разъедает душу». Человек, который постоянно живет с этим чувством, страдает сам и создает дискомфорт окружающим, волей-неволей превращаясь в изгоя. Справиться с этой проблемой трудно даже взрослому. А как быть, если от собственной обидчивости страдает совсем еще маленький человек?

На этот довольно не простой вопрос нам постаралась ответить психолог-консультант Светлана Нефедкина 

Светлана Нефедкина

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

«На мой взгляд, для начала важно определиться в понятиях «обида» и «обидчивость». Обида — это естесственное чувство, возникающее как защитная реакция, в ситуациях, когда происходит неприятное событие, к которому человек не был готов. Обида — это  болезненное переживание человеком своей неполноценности, недооцененности, отвержения, возникающее в результате фрустрации потребности быть значимым. Это переживание возникает при общении, а следовательно оно направлено на другого человека.

Обидчивость — это хроническое состояние обиды, о ней также можно говорить, как об устойчивой характеристике личности.

Обиды детей до 3-4 лет носят ситуативный характер, когда ребенок расстравивается из-за чего-то, но не застревает в своих переживаниях. Если говорить об обиде, как о психологическом феномене, то он начинает проявляться, как правило, не ранее чем в возрасте после 4-5 лет. В этом возрасте у детей возникает потребность в уважении и признании. Ребенку становится важно  быть значимым сначала для родителей и потом для сверстников. С началом школьного возраста, ребенок может болезненно воспринимать ситуации, связанные с недостаточным вниманием со стороны сверстников, или их неуважительным отношением, а также когда появляется контраст: своя неуспешность, незамеченность и недостаток похвалы на фоне чьей-то успешности, которая поощряется и выделяется.  Обиду также испытывают, когда не оправдываются какие-то ожидания,связанные с партнерами по общению. Признание сверстников становится крайне важным для ребенка в школьном возрасте, и если он его не получает, то испытывает ущемленность своего Я.

Обижаясь, ребенок, как правило, демонстрирует свое переживание: его поведение направлено на то, чтобы обидчик ощутил свою вину. Внешне это проявляется так: ребенок молчит, отворачивается,  «надувается». Демонстрируя таким образом свое переживание, ребенок пытается   привлечь внимание обидчика к себе. Появляется также ожидание, что обидчик должен сделать первый шаг к перемирию — например, попросить прощения.

Обиды возникают у всех людей. Совершенно нормально, что мы, порой обижаемся, ведь бывают  ситуации, когда возникает существенный повод для обиды. Таким поводом может являться неуважительное отношение со стороны близкого человека, причем чем ближе этот человек, тем более болезненно переживается обида.

Бывают ситуации, когда реального повода для обиды нет, но есть неоправданные ожидания от другого человека, так как ребенок склонен предъявлять к реальности особые, завышенные требования. Так как ожидания ребенка не оправдываются, он страдает от разочарования и обижается.

Однако, можно заметить, что одни дети обижаются, а другие нет — в одной и той же ситуации. Это связано с разным порогом чувствительности. Чем этот порог выше, тем более склонен ребенок обижаться.

Говоря об обидчивости, подразумевается, что ребенок часто обижается и находят для  обиды много поводов. Одна из ситуаций, в которой проявляется обидчивость, это например, когда ребенку невыносимо видеть успех другого, так как он это воспринимает, как собственное поражение и ощущает себя униженным. Обидчивость ярче проявляется у тех детей, у которых потребность быть значимым, выражена в большей степени, чем у других. Обидчивых детей характеризует  установка на оценочное отношение к себе и ожидание положительной оценки от окружающих. Отсутствие положительной оценки от окружающих, они воспринимают как отвержение, отрицание себя.

Присматриваясь к обидчивым детям, можно заметить их особую эмоциональную чувствительность и ранимость, в сфере представлений о самом себе, что связано с  недостаточным ощущением ребенком своей значимости. Однако, это ощущение является глубоко субъективным и не соответствуют реальности. Социометрические исследования показывают, что обидчивые дети не воспринимаются сверстниками как непопулярные, и не являются отвергаемыми в группе, а значит ощущение отверженности обусловлено их собственными представлениями о себе, будь то их умения и способности, внешний вид или индивидуальные характеристики и связано с заниженной самооценкой. Таким образом, обидчивые дети, с одной стороны остро нуждаются в положительной обратной связи от сверстников, одобрении, уважении и признании и своим поведением демонстрируют эту потребность, а с другой стороны — ожидают, что их оценят негативно. Для обидчивых детей характерна своеобразная фиксация на себе, поэтому им нужно постоянное подтверждение собственной ценности. Склонность приписывать окружающим людям пренебрежительное отношение к себе (в психологии это называется проекцией), ведет к тому, что у них появляются надуманные причины для обиды на сверстников.

Если ребенок все время обижается

Сейчас, когда мы подробно рассмотрели феномен обиды и такую характеристику личности, как обидчивость, будет полезно подсказать родителям, как они могут помочь своему ребенку справляться с этим тяжелым чувством, а также как они невольно могут способствовать тому, чтобы ребенок стал обидчивым.

Итак, важная вещь, которую родители должны знать о ребенке, склонном много обижаться, это его сильно выраженная потребность в признании и принятии. Речь идет о безусловном принятии, когда родители принимают ребенка в любой ситуации, независимо от того, соответствует он их ожиданиям, или нет. Если родители часто  критикут ребенка, стыдят его, предъявляют завышенные требования, или эмоционально холодны, не позволяют ребенку выражать себя, в нем возникает чувство обиды, или желание защитить свои границы, то есть самого себя. В случае, если ребенок выбирает отстаивать свои границы — он будет проявлять агрессивное поведение. А если подавляет свои потребности и желания из-за страха быть отверженным, так как боится потерять любовь родителей, то внутри ребенка в этом случае затаивается обида. Наверно становится понятно, почему у ребенка в этом случае будет низкая самооценка, и почему он будет склонен приписывать мнимое негативное отношение к себе со стороны окружающих: в нем закрепилась внутренняя установка «меня не принимают».  К тому же, у ребенка будет отсутствовать знание о себе, о том, какой он есть на самом деле. У ребенка  будут сомнения, имеет ли он вообще право быть, — самовыражаться, уметь просить и заявлять о своих потребностях. Все это будет делать его чувствительным к тому, как его оценивают другие — ведь у него нету четких знаний о себе. Важно укреплять внутреннюю позицию ребенка, помогая ему выразить свое отношение к ситуации, свое мнение, но в то же время объясняя ему законы причин и следствий, связанных с поведением людей.

Родителям очень важно принимать индивидуальность ребенка, помогать ребенку раскрывать ее. Если родители делают это, они помогают сформироваться внутреннему стержню в ребенке, знанию о себе, пониманию себя, самоуважению  — то есть крепкому  Я.

Есть еще вариант, при котором родители способствуют развитию в ребенке обидчивости, — когда они чрезмерно его опекают, «сдувают пылинки»,  пытаются уберечь от встречи с любыми трудностями, не верят в то, что он способен справиться самостоятельно. Как следствие, после воспитания в таких «тепличных условиях», может вырасти неженка, не готовый встретиться в жизни с трудностями и тем более не умеющий решать их, слишком чувствительный к отказам, со своей неуспешностью. Ожидания такого ребенка будут в первую очередь от других («мне должны»), ведь внутри закрепилось ощущение, что сам он недостаточно силен, смел, для встречи с трудностями.

Поэтому, очень важно в воспитании ребенка  не нарушать его психологические границы, а уважать их. С другой стороны, важно уметь выстраивать ребенку границы. Так, сталкиваясь, например с протестом ребенка, не подавлять его, не реагировать ответной агрессией, а позволить прожить эмоции злости, гнева, помогая и обучая выражать их приемлемым способом.

Что еще могут сделать родители? Они могут учить ребенка выражать свои чувства, мысли и желания, говорить о них. В семье полезно иметь культуру делиться чувствами. Причем родителям  надо говорить о собственных чувствах («Мне грустно, когда мы ругаемся…», «Я очень горжусь тем, что ты получил пятерку»), вместо того, чтобы давать оценку ребенку («Ты меня расстроил!», «Тебе должно быть стыдно!» и т. п.). Такая открытость и корректность ведет к тому, что ребенок не будет ждать, что его мысли и желания «прочитают», а будет уметь говорить о них. Ребенка надо учиться слушать: включенно (техника активного слушания), проявлять интерес к его жизни (как внутренней, так и социальной).

Важно также учить ребенка ставить себя на место другого, для того, чтобы ему было легче понять чувства, реакции и поведение других людей. Это ему поможет не слишком зацикливаться на себе (что характерно для обидчивых детей). Также важно объяснять  ребенку, что  поступки людей могут быть разными, чаще обсуждать с ним ситуации, когда он обижается, чтобы помочь принять различные варианты поведения других людей. Это поможет ребенку понять, что люди не идеальны, а также принять, что и он сам не может быть идеальным.

В воспитании ребенка важна четкость и последовательность, поэтому и свои требования родители должны озвучивать ясно, чтобы в них не было противоречий. Например, ребенок может с обидой воспринять отказ родителя в чем-то, или какой-то запрет. Важно в таком случае объяснить ребенку, что вы делаете это из заботы о нем, а не потому что хотите наказать или не любите. Это учит ребенка ответственности («Помою посуду и тогда посмотрю мультик», а не наоборот), помогает сохранить самоуважение, внутреннюю уверенность в любви родителей к себе.

Родителям полезно помогать ребенку видеть разные способы для того, чтобы справляться с обидой. Во-первых, учить ребенка говорить о ней, как уже говорилось выше. Вместе с ребенком надо анализировать ситуацию, и если обида адекватная, когда ребенок на самом деле был оскорблен, или унижен, то стоит задуматься о том, нужны ли ребенку такие отношения и обсудить это с ним.

Если ребенок все время обижается

Важно учить ребенку приемлемым способам выражения своего гнева по отношению к тому, кто его обидел. Здесь важно, чтобы ребенок смог вербально выразить свое несогласие, или желание, или чувство. Для ребенка, привыкшего сдерживать эмоции в себе, а показывать только поведением, что что-то не так, это будет непривычно, возможно страшно. Однако, надо учить ребенка говорить открыто о своих чувствах, заявлять о своих желаниях и потребностях, объясняя что помимо того, что это полезно, это также говорит о смелости человека.  

Обиды, которые копятся, вредят гармоничным отношениям, ведут к конфликтам между близкими и разрушают дружбу.  Обсуждайте с ребенком его обиды, учите их не копить, объясняя чем это вредно, приводя примеры. Родители  могут применять метод сказкотерапии, для помощи своему ребенку в решении трудной ситуации. Сказки очень интересны детям, они их слушают с удовольствием. В интернете можно найти сказки для работы с обидой, читать их ребенку и после прочтения обязательно обсуждать с ребенком поведение героев, анализировать. Ребенок со сказки перенесет опыт героя на себя, что поможет ему в решении своей трудности. Можно придумать и собственную сказку, вместе со своим ребенком.

Другой, творческий путь, помогающий справиться с обидой, это попросить ребенка нарисовать ее, а потом, разрешить сделать с рисунком все, что он хочет — разорвать,закрасить, символически отпуская обиду. Есть также способ с воздушным шариком — выбрать шар темного цвета (лучше даже черного), мысленно наполнить его всеми прошлыми и настоящими обидами, затем можно отпустить шар в небо.Все зависит от изобретательности родителей и от того, насколько они готовы помочь ребенку справиться с обидой. А самое главное, дорогие родители, учитесь сами отпускать обиды, ведь дети берут с пример именно с нас, взрослых.»

Больше информации о Светлане Нефедкиной можно получить на сайте rupsy.ee и  личном сайте psy-lana.com

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  76. The new Zune browser is surprisingly good, but not as good as the iPod’s. It works well, but isn’t as fast as Safari, and has a clunkier interface. If you occasionally plan on using the web browser that’s not an issue, but if you’re planning to browse the web alot from your PMP then the iPod’s larger screen and better browser may be important.

  77. Zune and iPod: Most people compare the Zune to the Touch, but after seeing how slim and surprisingly small and light it is, I consider it to be a rather unique hybrid that combines qualities of both the Touch and the Nano. It’s very colorful and lovely OLED screen is slightly smaller than the touch screen, but the player itself feels quite a bit smaller and lighter. It weighs about 2/3 as much, and is noticeably smaller in width and height, while being just a hair thicker.

  78. Hands down, Apple’s app store wins by a mile. It’s a huge selection of all sorts of apps vs a rather sad selection of a handful for Zune. Microsoft has plans, especially in the realm of games, but I’m not sure I’d want to bet on the future if this aspect is important to you. The iPod is a much better choice in that case.

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  83. If you’re still on the fence: grab your favorite earphones, head down to a Best Buy and ask to plug them into a Zune then an iPod and see which one sounds better to you, and which interface makes you smile more. Then you’ll know which is right for you.

  84. This is getting a bit more subjective, but I much prefer the Zune Marketplace. The interface is colorful, has more flair, and some cool features like ‘Mixview’ that let you quickly see related albums, songs, or other users related to what you’re listening to. Clicking on one of those will center on that item, and another set of «neighbors» will come into view, allowing you to navigate around exploring by similar artists, songs, or users. Speaking of users, the Zune «Social» is also great fun, letting you find others with shared tastes and becoming friends with them. You then can listen to a playlist created based on an amalgamation of what all your friends are listening to, which is also enjoyable. Those concerned with privacy will be relieved to know you can prevent the public from seeing your personal listening habits if you so choose.

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  89. the first road to not be scrubbed It is being greedy and think to make smart and be greedyyou really believe that someone would give you ten times the amount that you spend?you realize for yourself that it is impossible!and you realize that if one uses the credit card itself certainly not to give her around cos’ that someone who does not know what do you find and burn the cards in a matter of minutes and are all screwed!so before you tell others you get you foolishly think you wanted to cheat someone and what you lose is just the price for your greed.and that money with which you have been cheated the amount spent for a lesson.there are real systems, but they are fast, they make you earn 100%, but of course nobody does such a transaction for $ 100.those are all scams.so if you think you are smarter than someone doing the crook of craft and paying nominee, accomplices, and loses his time writing email … forget it.if you think someone will give true credit card and CVV legitimate, forget it.but maybe I will forget when you’ve lost a lot of money.if you really want instead an example of what can be done, I’ll give an example.with $ 1,000 in ten days it can get to collect (and in most other payments) until 2000/2500this is a «figure honest.»and if you can find five people who participate and pay their shareyou can earn 3500 dollars and they 2000 that is at least doubled.but it takes 7-10 days, and with many small payouts.maybe you’re not prepared for it and you have to be cheated again.if not write to whitehack82@gmail.com

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  92. Zune and iPod: Most people compare the Zune to the Touch, but after seeing how slim and surprisingly small and light it is, I consider it to be a rather unique hybrid that combines qualities of both the Touch and the Nano. It’s very colorful and lovely OLED screen is slightly smaller than the touch screen, but the player itself feels quite a bit smaller and lighter. It weighs about 2/3 as much, and is noticeably smaller in width and height, while being just a hair thicker.

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