Неслыханная шедрость. Если ребенок раздаривает свои вещи



Чьи-то дети ужасно жадные, а у кого-то наоборот – ребенок раздаривает все подряд: вещи, игрушки и прочее. В чем причины такого «мотовства» и можно ли исправить ситуацию?

Если ребенок раздаривает свои вещи

Отвечает психолог консультант Нефедкина Светлана

Светлана Нефедкина

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Как правило, в социуме ребенок сталкивается с тем, что жадность осуждается, оценивается негативно, а щедрость ставится в пример, поощряется. Но что важно знать родителям для того, чтобы понимать склонность своего ребенка проявлять жадность или щедрость?

В возрасте, примерно с 2 до 3 лет, у ребенка наступает момент, когда ему очень важно знать, что существует «моё». «Моё» — это часть Я для ребенка и эти понятия он не способен разделить, как умеем это делать мы — взрослые. Поэтому, зачастую именно в этом возрасте можно столкнуться с детской жадностью. Родителям важно понимать, что также как и взрослому, ребенку очень важно знать, что есть вещи, которые принадлежат ему. В возрасте до 3-х лет нежелание делиться — в норме, а «моё» — это выражение необходимости ощущать свою целостность, свое личное пространство, а не простой каприз. «Моё» — значит границы моего Я. Осознание того, что есть «мое», поможет ребенку понять, что такое «чужое». Умение говорить «нет», и «это — моё» потом пригодится ребенку во взрослой жизни, так как поможет осознавать и четко знать свои границы, не позволять другим манипулировать и пользоваться собою.

Щедрость, или другими словами, способность делиться, отдавать другому, в ребенке следует развивать с 3-3,5 летнего возраста. В этом возрасте ребенок знакомится с детским садиком и осваивает искусство общения, в котором делиться — важный и необходимый навык. Делиться, таким образом, означает для ребенка взаимодействовать в общении.

Умение делиться, отдавать, быть щедрым — это хорошее качество, очень важное для человеческих отношений.  Одни детки обладают природной щедростью, других можно научить делиться. Однако, существуют ситуации, когда щедрость становится чрезмерной, когда  ребенок буквально раздает вещи друзьям, сверстникам. Это настораживает родителей, вызывает тревогу.

Почему же так происходит? Есть несколько причин такого поведения ребенка. Одной из причин, довольно распространенной, является то, что ребенок просто не знает цены вещам. В этом случае, будет  полезно провести беседу на тему денег: как родители их зарабатывают, как совершаются покупки, на что тратятся деньги. Ребенка нужно научить пониманию того, сколько родители работали для того, чтобы купить ту или иную вещь.  Как можно научить ребенка бережливости и помочь понять цену вещей на практике? Можно, например, дать ребенку какую-то работу (посильную, символическую), и «оплатить» его труд (также символически). Можно использовать для этого «Мешочек добрых дел»: за каждое доброе дело, когда ребенок потрудился, он получает камушек, или пуговицу, или еще что-то (зависит от фантазии родителей), и накопив до определенного количества (это тоже определяются вместе с родителями), получает «главный приз» (то, что он хотел). Таким образом, можно научить ребенка ценить труд, сформировать бережливое отношение к вещам, понимать значение денег.

 

Не стоит винить ребенка за то, что он дарит свои вещи. Ведь, если это его вещь, то он имеет право распоряжаться ею сам. Но надо объяснить ребенку и то, что если он отдает вещь, то пройдет время, может быть много времени, пока вы сможете ему купить такую вещь снова. Объясняя это, можно помочь ребенку взять на себя ответственность за свои решения. Границы его щедрости в этом случае, будут определяться правом на свои вещи и на свободное распоряжением ими, и регулироваться собственной ответственностью. Если же речь идет об общих вещах, то родителям важно ставить ребенку границы допустимого.  Например, бывают ситуации, когда ребенок склонен к чрезмерной щедрости в угощениях друзей, когда они приходят в гости.  В таком случае, можно обговорить с ребенком, какие угощения могут предназначаться для друзей, а что предназначается для трапезы семьи. Хороший способ воспитать у ребенка нормальное соотношение между жадностью  и способностью делиться – это показывать им это соотношение на собственном родительском примере.

Все вышесказанное является остраненной причиной «неслыханной щедрости», но не единственной. Гораздо более глубокой причиной может может являться то, что ребенок с помощью дарения вещей хочет найти друзей, завоевать их авторитет, или «откупиться» от обидчиков. В первом случае — им движет желание быть значимым, чтобы его щедрость оценили по достоинству и обратили на него внимание. Фактически, он «покупает» друзей, недостающее внимание к себе и любовь, а это происходит скорее всего, от недостаточной уверенности в том, что он интересен, ценен и своеобразен сам по себе. Другими словами, ребенок не уверен в себе в межличностном взаимодействии, и поэтому пробует строить отношения с помощью «щедрости».  Родителям важно поддерживать ребенка, любить его безусловно, показывать свой интерес к нему,  помочь ему не ощущать одиночества, так как если этого не делать, то ребенок скорее всего, не будет ощущать себя интересным и значимым за рамками семьи, в отношениях со сверстниками. Поэтому он, возможно, будет склонен «покупать» внимание к себе. Замечу, речь идет о дозе щедрости, которая является чрезмерной.

Когда ребенок пытается откупиться от тех, кто его обижает, «одаривая» их, это может быть сигналом того, что он ему требуется помощь родителей, их поддержка, для того чтобы решить трудную ситуацию. Есть дети, которым трудно защитить себя от более доминирующих сверстников, которые могут использовать эту трудность ребенка, чтобы манипулировать им.

 В моей практике был случай, когда мама обратилась по поводу 6-летней девочки, которая «унесла» в садик одно из маминых украшений —  бусы из натуральных камней. Обнаружив пропажу, мама сильно отругала девочку, «дала ремня», назвала воровкой. Дочка сказала маме, что одна девочка из ее группы заставила ее это сделать. Она также сказала маме о том, что приносила той девочке и свои игрушки, но ей все не нравилось и она сказала принести мамино украшение.  Мама не могла понять, как можно «заставить».  Девочка из садика отрицала свою причастность к этой ситуации, но с помощью воспитателей удалось выяснить, что она действительно умеет манипулировать, порой угрозами, сильным давлением умеет заставить сделать так, как она хочет. Мама, поняла, что у дочери есть трудности, которых она не замечала и обратилась к психологу. Работа с девочкой и ее мамой показала, что девочка не умела за себя постоять, у нее было мало друзей в садике, она была ведомой, неуверенной в себе. Дома ей не хватало поддержки, она не ощущала достаточной защищенности. Контакт с мамой был скорее поверхностным, не было в нем достаточной теплоты. А с папой девочка была ближе, но так как хотела быть для него «самой лучшей», не рассказывала, что у нее есть сложности, боясь, что он в ней разочаруется. Конечно, в данном случае звучит тема детского воровства, а не просто чрезмерной щедрости. Однако, здесь они очень взаимосвязаны. Исследования показывают, что если ребенок ворует, то неудовлетворена какая-то его потребность (это м.б. как материальная, психологическая, духовная). Думаю, уже понятно, какие потребности девочки не удовлетворялись — это психологические потребности во взаимоотношениях с родителями (больше с мамой). К тому же и потребность в общении со сверстниками тоже не удовлетворялась.

Дорогие родители, учите детей на своем примере, будьте с ними по настоящему близки, разговаривайте с ними. Будьте эмоционально щедры с вашими детьми. Это поможет им найти баланс между жадностью и щедрость.

 

Больше информации о Светлане Нефедкиной можно получить на сайте rupsy.ee и  личном сайте psy-lana.com

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Неслыханная шедрость. Если ребенок раздаривает свои вещи
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Чьи-то дети ужасно жадные, а у кого-то наоборот – ребенок раздаривает все подряд: вещи, игрушки и прочее. В чем причины такого «мотовства» и можно ли исправить ситуацию?
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  103. I’ll gear this review to 2 types of people: current Zune owners who are considering an upgrade, and people trying to decide between a Zune and an iPod. (There are other players worth considering out there, like the Sony Walkman X, but I hope this gives you enough info to make an informed decision of the Zune vs players other than the iPod line as well.)

  104. Sorry for the huge review, but I’m really loving the new Zune, and hope this, as well as the excellent reviews some other people have written, will help you decide if it’s the right choice for you.

  105. Hands down, Apple’s app store wins by a mile. It’s a huge selection of all sorts of apps vs a rather sad selection of a handful for Zune. Microsoft has plans, especially in the realm of games, but I’m not sure I’d want to bet on the future if this aspect is important to you. The iPod is a much better choice in that case.

  106. Zune and iPod: Most people compare the Zune to the Touch, but after seeing how slim and surprisingly small and light it is, I consider it to be a rather unique hybrid that combines qualities of both the Touch and the Nano. It’s very colorful and lovely OLED screen is slightly smaller than the touch screen, but the player itself feels quite a bit smaller and lighter. It weighs about 2/3 as much, and is noticeably smaller in width and height, while being just a hair thicker.

  107. Sorry for the huge review, but I’m really loving the new Zune, and hope this, as well as the excellent reviews some other people have written, will help you decide if it’s the right choice for you.

  108. The new Zune browser is surprisingly good, but not as good as the iPod’s. It works well, but isn’t as fast as Safari, and has a clunkier interface. If you occasionally plan on using the web browser that’s not an issue, but if you’re planning to browse the web alot from your PMP then the iPod’s larger screen and better browser may be important.

  109. Hands down, Apple’s app store wins by a mile. It’s a huge selection of all sorts of apps vs a rather sad selection of a handful for Zune. Microsoft has plans, especially in the realm of games, but I’m not sure I’d want to bet on the future if this aspect is important to you. The iPod is a much better choice in that case.

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