Как реагировать на истерику ребенка в публичном месте?



К нам в редакцию пришло письмо от одной мамочки, которая озадачена очень насущным вопросом. С ее позволения, мы печатаем это письмо, потому что данная тема волнует многих родителей.

«Подруга рассказала мне историю, которая не смогла оставить меня равнодушной, по причине частого попадания в похожие ситуации.
Гуляя в парке Кадриорг, она услышала дикий рев ребенка лет двух. Мальчик стоял и надрывно кричал, визжал, рычал в сторону стоящей неподалеку мамы. То, что это была мама, было очевидно, потому что она бросала быстрые взгляды на сына, а также держала маленький велосипед. Что хотел ребенок не было понятно, но мама изо всех сил игнорировала истерику. Гуляющие прохожие морщились, хмурились и, отворачиваясь, прибавляли шаг. Стойко держащая оборону мама явно испытывала неудобство от ситуации, но действий не предпринимала.

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Ребенок бился в истерике уже около десяти минут, когда подруга все же подошла к мальчику и спросила его, что случилось и почему он так громко кричит. Ребенок поутих и только продолжал всхлипывать, посматривая на чужую тетю и на маму искоса. И тут случилось непредвиденное! Мама мальчика одним прыжком подскочила к ребенку и сидящей рядом на корточках подруге и начала истошно кричать на мою подругу, дескать, что она себе позволяет, это ее сын и она его воспитывает, а посторонняя женщина права не имеет вмешиваться! Подруга попыталась спокойным тоном пояснить, что воспитывать ее ребенка у нее и в мыслях не было, но на ее взгляд ребенок нуждался в помощи. В конечном итоге, мама ребенка вылила на «добрую самаритянку» добрую порцию грязи, пояснив при этом, что когда ее ребенок будет «садится матери на шею», виноваты будут такие вот «ничего не понимающие в воспитании» женщины.
Я от этой истории, признаться, была и шокирована и пристыжена одновременно. Мой трехлетний сын порой позволяет себе такие «закидоны» в людных местах, то на площадке, то в магазине, но я до сих пор не знаю, как правильно вести себя в такой ситуации. С одной стороны, я понимаю игнорирующую маму в ее терпеливом ожидании конца истерики, да и прохожие своими взглядами недвусмысленно говорят «мать-ехидна». Стыдно, да, но я боюсь, что ребенок поймет, что это способ манипулировать мной и такие штуки участятся. С другой стороны, я знаю, что таким образом ребенок привлекает внимание. Как найти баланс? Я совсем не хочу, чтобы ребенок вырос истериком, но и манипулятор в семье меня страшит!»

Да, проблема действительно сложная. Найти правильный подход и решение бывает для мам очень болезненно. Мы попросили прокомментировать ситуацию психолога, семейного терапевта Викторию Вейнранк.
Виктория уже более 10 лет работает с семьями, которые попадают в сложные ситуации, и всегда очень внимательно относится к проблемам самых маленьких клиентов.

Виктория Вейнранк:
Любая истерика имеет под собой причину, почему ребенок так себя ведет. Бывает проявление требования, необходимость привлечь внимание, бывает банальная усталость. Могут быть и еще какие-то незначительные причины: плохо спал или вообще пропустил сон, но может и быть проявлением характера и проверкой границ. Однако никто не чувствует своего ребенка лучше, чем родители. Поэтому первое, что нужно, это определить, что происходит с вашим ребенком. Еще немаловажный аспект — это возраст. Истерика в два года совершенно не то же самое, что истерика в три или четыре. В два года ребенок не настолько осознает,что он делает, поэтому в этом возрасте правильнее начать с переключения, можно постараться переориентировать его реакцию, подойти и погладить по голове, найти что-то интересное в траве и попробовать привлечь внимание своего ребенка к этому.

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Самое неправильное в такой ситуации- маме принимать от сравненную позицию. Проверки границ дозволенного свойственны детям в более старшем возрасте — три-четыре года. В описанном случае, мне кажется, мама впала в состояние упрямства и тем самым превратилась из взрослого человека в такого же маленького ребенка, где действовала по принципу «и я не поддамся»! Ко всему прочему, мама так отреагировала на вторжение чужого человека, потому что это вероятно, вызвало в ней чувство, что она плохая мама, если не смогла справится с ситуацией.  И вся ее внутренняя несостоятельность выплеснулась в агрессивную реакцию. Что касается общественных мест и истерического поведения ребенка, то нужно адекватно оценить чего он хочет в данный момент. Опустится до уровня «глаза в глаза»и спокойно объяснить , что желание ребенка прямо сейчас не может быть осуществленным и объяснить причину. После этого предупредить, что вы покинете место позора и оставите  его для приведения себя в  порядок. Когда он будет готов, он может к вам присоединиться. Показать направление куда уходите и продолжайте свое движение, но не на большой скорости. Можно еще уточнить конкретное место, где вы будете его ждать. Важно, чтобы у ребенка не возникло чувство, что он брошен.
В любом случае, ситуацию должны оценивать родители в самый пик происшествия и действовать решительно, но адекватно. У вас не должно быть сомнений. Дети всегда чувствуют, когда у родителей нет внутренней уверенности в правильности своих действий.
Всем мамам, которые оказываются в сложных ситуациях с детьми, я посоветую постараться больше чувствовать своих деток: интуитивно, сердцем. Тогда вы всегда безошибочно определите, в чем нуждается ваш любимый малыш!

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